For years, I couldn’t stop binging and purging. No matter how strong my will power was, the minute I felt out of control emotionally, I would eat to stuff down the feelings. No matter what dietary regime I was into, I wouldn’t be able to stick to it. It drove me crazy!
I wanted to re-experience my childhood – when I was fully alert, brimming with enthusiasm and fearlessness. Of course, it didn’t matter what I put in my mouth those days, I could digest pretty much anything then. I had so much energy, I’d burn it up in minutes and never gain any weight. But, since my twenties, my metabolism slowed down and the brownies and chocolate cookies began to show, particularly on my thighs.
Determined to get at the root of this disease, I decided to go cold turkey and eat one food at a time. One item of food a day – to see exactly what foods made me feel good and what foods disagreed with me. I also checked in to see what my emotional state was like before I ate the food.
The first day I ate nothing but carrots, the next day, celery, the next day raisins and so on. There were times I couldn’t get through the day eating one food, because the reaction was so severe. After experimenting with every single food group, the end result was: I had a strong sensitivity to sugar, dairy, wheat (gluten) and tomatoes. Beets and sweet fruits had to be eaten in moderation. Chicken and fish could be eaten on occasion, but they had to be organic. My colon, my brain, and my entire nervous system more than appreciated greens of all shapes and sizes!
I had no idea food had such a powerful effect on my mind, my thoughts, and my emotions. It was a real eye-opener.
In addition to pairing down the foods that were not working for me, I began to notice that if I was mad, upset, tired, bored, lonely, or thirsty, I wanted to eat. So, I tried another experiment. Instead of eating when I had these feelings, I would sit down, close my eyes and meditate for a few minutes. 99.9% of the time, it became clear that during these times, I wasn’t hungry at all. I just wanted to soothe the feeling. I wanted to fill myself with food instead of dealing with the emotional issue. This was a huge Ah ha moment for me!
So, why do we eat foods we know are not good for us? One reason is habit, unconscious behavior, and self-sabotage. Many of us are masters at achieving this unconscious, sinister behavior. I’m sure, we can all think of examples: We have a big test the next day, an interview for a new job. Instead of taking care of ourselves by getting a good night’s sleep, eating properly, and exercising, we fill our minds with doubts. We begin to think we aren’t good enough, smart enough. Before we’ve even studied for the test, or prepared for the interview, we’ve created the sabotage, mentally. These negative thoughts lead us to those foods that numb us. You know what those foods are for you.
Believe me, I used to be a master at numbing myself. Any emotional upset would bring me right, smack into a bakery to purchase a piece of chocolate cake. The sugar would immediately make me dizzy, my mind would get fuzzy, and it wouldn’t be long before I’d experience a full-blown migraine. When I ate bread, all I wanted to do was sleep. And if I ate after seven at night, I’d be up all night digesting my meal. It’s a tightrope! No question!
And what about when we eat more than we need? Are we not hungry for something else? This is where we need to ask ourselves some probing questions. Where do these cravings come from? What is at their origin? What are we telling ourselves about the situation? Are we not trying to fill a void that may otherwise be satisfied with love, affection, mutual sharing, the delight of creativity, or the simple joy of being alive? Are we not consuming things to make up for something else that we may be missing? What would make our life fuller, richer, and bring us more joy?
In my novel, Pushing Upward, Sandra Billings has no idea how to deal with her food issues or what is at the root cause of her abusive behavior. For Sandra, and many young women, it stems from someplace deep inside. We just have to get in touch with where that place is, why it’s creating this unconscious behavior, get honest about it and root it out.
If we don’t drown out the answers with more food, we make room for the voice to surface. Then we can listen and take positive action. By distinguishing the real hunger from the hole we’re trying to fill, we end the self-sabotage. We get to be at the top of our game –– the game of love, the game of life –– through the exercise of our own awareness.
I’m totally ready for that! What about you?
With great love, andrea